BreakingTheNews

J4W 27/11/22

Breaking The News 17/7/22

BreakingTheNews 2022-7-10

Breaking the News 2022-07-03

~.Scientists have discovered traces of 5400 year old chocolate, which granny says it's still fine, because chocolate doesn't go off.

~.Adventures Ross Echley has become first person to swim 1700 miles around Great Britain, he was only supposed to swim out nearby pier, but being a typical man, he went the wrong way and refuses to ask directions.

~.It's kind of answer that went creepy, I'm not gonna lie.

~.The first of the new generation of Calodonia sleeper train between Scotland and London rolled into Glasgow at 9:30am on Monday, almost 2 hours behind schedule. That was the best sleep I had in years, said the Driver.

~.Thousands of people have being left out of pocket as we lost organisation Scottish Slimmers has announced it's gone bust, the remaining assets will now be liquidated into low-fat milk shake.

~Judy Murray says Andy will give his heart and soul to get back to the top after his hip resurfaced, but sadly the resurfacing was done by Glasgow City Council, so he won't be there until 2023.

~.A great grand of 109 reckons that the secret of long life is a bowl of porridge, in other news, Buckingham Palace has denied rumours that prince Charles has been spotted this week burning hundreds boxes of Quake Oats.

~A real crazy couple has tied the knot in their dream place, onboard a train, and will be experiencing their dream honeymoon start between Motherwell and Haymarket.

~.Calls have being made to Hollyrod to be more family friendly in order to hold on to its talented MSPs, or else both of them could decide to leave.

~.In the news this week, chicken have reportedly ganged up to kill fox in French farm, no news in who this gang is planning to target next, but sources of insight have hinted chefs at Nando's need to start watch their back.

~.A man has been reported to prosecutors after flying a drone over a football match between Broth and Montrose, police are keen to find the man saying anyone who going such length to see that match desperately needs help.

~.Emma Thomson is said to play prime minister, who she said is partly Boris Johnson and partly Nigel Farage, not to be confused with Teresa May continued to play prime minister, whose cross between the ghost of Christmas past and C3PO.

~.Why don't you make your presence at the Sydney Running Festival, where you can serving canopes, Prosecco to the assemble guests.

~.A grad dad is rising money for charity by walking around his garden dressed up as nom, fund raising was going well until a drunk man picked him and ran away.

~Following withdrawing troops from Afghanistan, as Biden was compelled to finish what Donald Trump has started, continuing in this vein, he revealed his plan to complete the wall in Mexico, and ask reporters, if anybody has the number for Stormy Daniels.

~.What a week it has being, a week where corronavirus dominating the news, hundreds of neighbours in Edinburgh have being singing 'Sunshine in Leith' to raise spirits, thus after 500 miles misunderstood to be the latest guidance of social distancing.

~.A great grandmother has tamed a herring by hand feeding it fish fillets, and it's named Budhecktor, proof if it was needed Scottish granny don't care who you're, you're getting fed.

~.England has said to on short of water within 25 years, the environment agency has warned, if only there was a country nearby with almost inexhaustible supply of the stuff.

~.A box of snake was dumped out a vet surgery, the following day a consignment of ladders were arrived leading the vets to wonder if somebody just play game with them.

~.People living in cold climate with less sunlight are more likely to drink heavily, a new study has found, while we say study, it's actually just return ticket to Falkirk.

~.A survey has revealed that Glaswegian are most likely to be drunk in Xmas day, or as we call it a Wednesday.

~.Sleeping in separate beds can boost couple sex lives, a survey claims, I wasn't sure at first, but now I'm having sex every nights, said one grateful husband, and I'm pretty sure my wife is as well.

~.An escaped cow cause chaos on motorway in Lethgow this week, police Scotland are baffled, mainly about where the cow got the car from.

~Desperate food manufactures are pleading with government to be able to call upon prisoners, to solve labour crisis blamed on the double whammy of Brexit and Covid, so in future when food has a cell by label, it will be telling you what cell it was made it.

~.You see when Boris Johnson became Prime Minister, bad news for his hairdresser, good news for topical comedy shows.

~.Scientist has revealed that bird 3 times bigger than an ostrich has the same way does a fully grown up polar bear once lived in Europe. It was later seen in America, where he lives in street teaching children their alphabet how to count to 10.

~.A little boy is recovering after having had 526 teeth removed from his mouth. On other news, the tooth fairy has just gone in administration.

~.British people think Italian is the sexiest language followed by French and Spanish, Italian phrases that get blood really pumping, including, Diamo, Cebelo, and Meat Feast Pizza.

~.British scientist have unveiled new wristband, which can tell what sort of mood you're in. Men are especially excited about the wristband as the hope to finally gain an insight of what it means when a woman say, "She's Fine~".

~.Starbucks has being accused of using child labour, which is shocking revelation, but it's probably explained why I never get right change there, and they can't write double tt on a cup.

~.Scientists have developed a computer system that can spot a fake smile, they taught the computer program by using thousands of photos, that they found in Malania Trump's wedding album.

~.Welcome to the a compilation of what we humbly imagine represents the very best NewsQuiz of 2018. We're come to you right in the heart of 12 days of Christmas, which the song used to believed, means those turtle daps are probably already starting to mount up, I hate to break it to you, but you're in for hell of a week. So what better time to slice the top of another bottle of cherry, pop a button or two, and reflect on all the last 52 weeks have brought us and what a year it's been.

~> Nicola Sturgeon has offered a formal apology to people accused of witch craft between the 16th and 18th centuries, many of whom were executed, unnervingly several have already got into touch thanking her.

~> Local high school swimming team practise was delayed after the students discovered an alligator in the poor. On the plus side before leaving the poor, every student managed a personal best.

~A mammoth tooth that maybe three million years old has been washed up on the coast of Essex, however had disappeared by the following morning and been replaced by an enormous twenty pence piece.

~BT have revealed phone box of the future, which allow free calls and accesses to  ultra fast wifi, Glasgow punters have delighted as it makes easy to surf internet while you're having a pee.

~An Edinburgh black cap driver has created a board game based on the working life of a Glasgow taxi driver, apparent you have to get your counter from start to finish in the most indirect way possible, it's called Guess Where.

~Prince Harry has been attempt to protect his new girl friend Megan Marco from racism and sexism, however, eventually she'll have to meet prince Phillip.

~The Queen's bill has 150 pounds in agriculture show, meanwhile in America, Donald Trump's bill has win him the presidential election.

~More than a quarter of Scots set top of the reading list is crime novels, or as we Scotsman called them, Tourist Guides.

~Margret Thatcher was reported forced to pay the IFO of harmony 2 million pounds to rebuild the Iranian embassy, the renovation were featured in an episode of Home under the harmers.

~The two Icelanders are struggle to reach agreement over the trademark dispute, that's Iceland, the country with an unpronounceable volcano, and Iceland, the shop, advertised by celebrities who cannot pronounce volcano.

~Former waiter Martel becomes X-factor winner, in next weeks news, former X-factor winner Martel becomes waiter.

~Prince Harry said he no longer struggles against his royal role, and feels he needs to make something of his life. Strong words there from an unemployed, 32 year old, still lives in his Granny says.

#Violence

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