NewsQuiz

~We're back from our summer break, if you told me when we finished last series at start of June that Covid will still be circulating at alarming levels, Afghanistan would not have worked out absolutely brilliantly, much of the world would be literally on fire, and England's batting still be overly depended on Joe, well, I would never, obviously would definitely have believed you. I would believed you as much as I can say, if the hypothetic event of photos of PM dancing in the nightclub be circulating in the media, your retinas will never truely recover.

~.I think it's like channel 5 when they have one of those new reality show, bit by bit, they reveal all their contestants, over the weekend, we'll have everyone, Chris Rudge, Stephen Kibble, Caitlin Pitt, and the woman who put a cat in a willy bin.

~.It's strange thing this little outbreak of our democracy that we're getting, before we have democracy removed from us, due to the result of previous bit of democracy.

~.The three top judges in Scottland ruled that Boris Johnson had illegally prorogued parliament because he lied to the queen. It was such an unimportant piece of news. But did you know that it was illegal to lie to the queen? I mean I did, quite a lot of people probably did. I rather worried about that. Prince Andrew must have lied.

~.He even raps for us. What more could you want?

~.Some teams are especially determined to stay ahead of the weather, with torrential thounderstorm forecast with their openning game against Ireland on Sunday, Scotland had being practising using balls soaked in shampoo, Wales on the other hand chosing to soak their balls with baby oil.

~.I am actually quite excite about the collapse of civilisation, you know rather like to see what happens when socity collapse, wonder what life is like without antibiotics, "Oh I bite my tongue." "Good Bye"

!.Hunting and trapping are part of what it means to be a New Zealander, it ties people together, and put meats in freezer.

~.Welcome to the a compilation of what we humbly imagine represents the very best NewsQuiz of 2018. We're come to you right in the heart of 12 days of Christmas, which the song used to believed, means those turtle daps are probably already starting to mount up, I hate to break it to you, but you're in for hell of a week. So what better time to slice the top of another bottle of cherry, pop a button or two, and reflect on all the last 52 weeks have brought us and what a year it's been.

~.He was on a holiday, he was on safari in South Africa, facebook said he was enjoy the candle lit dinner in the bush, which sound rude little bit painful.

~I think it's a very good idea that people should learn the language when they came in. I mean I love this country, and the reason I love this country is cause all my friends are here, all my family here, and I can't speak any other language.

~It's been suggested Trump has paid Russian prostitute to urinate on a bed that Obama had slept in its cot in Moscow, and his answer to that is, it's total lie, it's total false news, it's completely lie, and anyway, I'm a germaphobe, which I think a lot of his supporters will misunderstand and will now boycott somebody else. But do you know what he said in 2015, he said he was not a germaphobe. So, some recent experience has changed him completely. As if to say that the strongest critic of Donald Trump is Donald Trump 2 years ago.

~Hospital announcement says, "warning, every Tuesday there's a practise fire alarm, please remain calm, there's no need to panic, unless told otherwise."

~The supreme court, which is the highest legal body in the land, composed formal members of supremes, has overruled Theresa May, who for reasons that only she understands as Prime Minister.

~Well, it has been a historical week in Westminster, in Wednesday it was momentous day for parliamentary democracy when hundreds MPs voted something they don't believe in. That isn't necessarily new, I mean, historically, of course, MPs have often voted against their conscious, but they don't usually let on... Usually they like to keep that stuff secret, but this time they were secretly nobbled by lobbyists from the Arms industry, or bribed by foreign businessman, but this time, they just sort of succumbed to the political realities of the referendum.

~Foreign people are causing all the shortages, if you go into any hospital can you find local staff in uniform? No! Some foreign bastard is using it.

~Yes, if you follow the man hunt, it's the party time. My perfect dinner party came recent absolutely beast shiraz.

~Well as political commentators might say, test the temperature of the country by sticking a thermometer right up it.

~Another general election means UK people are doomed, they've got 7 weeks of pointlessly extended news bulletins, reporters interviewing ordinary people who somehow became important, because they live in Peter Bra, politicians been chased around by people dressed as giant chickens, pointless TV debate with pointless discussions about who won the pointless debate, the best I can do, ladies gentlemen, the only tiny speck of hope that I can offer you is that the nuclear war might break out stop this nonsense.

~It's about the way she has lived the pattern he's noticed over her life I suppose, she's met a bunch of new people, they seemed to like her, after 2-3 years they just drift away, she's been live like that 10s and 10s times, she doesn't want to have it again, almost heart-breaking.

~Hello, I'm Miles Jump, which can only mean one of two things, either this week's program of choice is the News Quiz hosted by me, Miles Jump, or the BBC have locked me in the studio and forcing me to recording for all of their shows, I'm pretty popular, this isn't surprise, but if someone could please call my lawyer I would be most grateful.

~It's like when I go to the supermarket, and write a list with brown rice, asparagus and chia seeds, and I end up buying KitKats and Gin.

~Why would any artist absolutely targets their core group of audiences, it's like One-Direction releasing an album called, "Teenager girls are fat and stupid."

~If you read between the lines, it's implicit.

~She was out meeting the people in this sort of heavily guarded factory that makes Lemon curd or Nerve gas or something. Closed vetted groups of Tory activists and some selected journalist who've been driven there blind fold.

~Which I felt it's going to be a problem we're soon to address.

'-.We could celebrate this with someone else, but I don't know any, so I'm afraid it's just you me and this Germany sausage...

'-.It's well know that the erectile dysfunction is more common among older solders, which explains hefty bill for retired service members.

'-.He's just blatantly lies about the benefits of these shit, in fact carries on uses the same line into the future.

'-.He's always a little bit out of place on stage, cause he's just lacked that tinge of focus.

'-.This is probably one of very few type of Cakes that can be rich and buttery or dry and flaky.

'-.Having him sorting out this and been asked been reassured about that, it's like if you found an unexploded bomb in your house and you ran up to police and they send around plumber and a kangaroo.

'-.It's just one of many signs of pending apocalypse, enjoy the show while you can, well suppose it could be your last... Goodbye forever.

~.He's like the Thor, the thunder god turning out 120%.

~.Is this your excellent attempt showing us just how strong you are?

~.I think you don't outsource your school dinner to private security firm, because a dinner lady should be a sort of maternal sturdy woman with large arms and an eye for under feed kid who need an extra dollar with mash, not somebody who'd be considered to violent to working in a asylum removal centre.

~.The organisers trooped in 130 young women in skimpy black dresses, and paraded across the stage, at that point Miles and I felt distinctively uncomfortable and left, and that is the statement I've give to management.

~.Let's hope the set doesn't fall down, and if it be the summer shed, there will be no holiday from human rights violation. If it'd be the spring shed, the evening might be drawing out but not as much as the agnising disintegration of all my hopes and dreams, but it was unfortunately a winter gag.

~.Please indulge me for the merriest moment when I talk to you about the healing power of the thing.

~.Thank you from bottom of my heart. I know when you wish upon a star, dreams really comes true. So why not loosen that terribly restrictive negative, kick off your cowboy boots and your chaps as you enjoy this weeks occasion.

~.Hello, fellow, it is the time, uncork the pot, un-shelf the sherry, or set aside a beaker of lukewarm barley water, should you so chose, prepare to marinate yourself in this weeks occasion.

~.We'll be performing the show dressed as rail-way children.

~.Nowadays, people go to doctors for anything, but in my day, if you're a real man, you just amputate your own foot with a shovel, then hop over to the foreman ask for another shovel to get on with the job. Woman used to give birth then back to the filed, then get the child through the harvest so they won't grown up lazy.

~.An octopus who correctly predicted all of Japan's world cup results has been killed and turned into Sashimi, there used to a an Octopus that predicts Scotland's scores, but it's been offset with the impression since 1998.

~.The commentator said, time for somebody to do something from somewhere. I thought, I never want hear anything from this guy anymore.

'==Outdoors to improve mental health==

'==Weight irrelevent

~~> This story is best listened to whilst “not at work”, if you’re not sure wether you’re at work, or not at work, please check with everyone you’re usually work with, has turned up with a bottle of wine, and is now getting hammered. So if you have not done that, you might be at work, or you’ve got ask yourself, “Am I a professional wine taster?” If you’re not, you’re probably not at work, therefore it is safe to listen my bullocks.

~~> I’m very sorry about difficult start to this show, but unfortunately, I’m busy sticking my fingers to a electric socket. It’s just nobody told me not to do it.

~~> It has been a worrying time for fans the world not mutilating itself with unnecessary conflicts as Ukraine situations continues to bubble away, Vladimir Putin, the Kremlin, gremlin, himself contemplates, where the another one of Russian’s trademarks on winnable wars could be just what he needs most, what his current country needs least, the big two for Russia leaders. The situation is skirting that fine line between massive global crisis, and fun bit of 80s nostalgia, that’s lovely bit of cold-war retro, all you do is throw a bit of banana armour brandish some nuclear warheads, and we’ll have the world full of undivided attention.

~~> By the time this show is broadcasted, the news often change, this week, for example, by the time you listen to this, there might have been further leaks about Downing St parties; we might have find out prime minister did absolutely nothing wrong, legally, or morally; we might by contrast be digesting the news that are technical fish; we might have been invaded by snooker play aliens who installed Steve Davis as emperor as all the Britains; all equally plausible scenarios, we just don’t know… So do please forgive us, if events have eventuated in the interim, as you listen to this weeks News Quiz.

~> For the way people stood up to atrocity barbarism meet out them by the Putin regime, I don't know if I would be able to step up to the plate in the same way, whenever I've searched for the heroes inside myself, they hasn't been in. In fact, all I have found is been a large pile of unopened post, addressed to the heroes inside myself suggest they've never even lived that address.

~~>It’s 2022, a year that seems destined to be remembered as the year of incarcerated tennis player; It is always risky to judge year on the first week as 2020 would no doubt testified; The year that probably won’t have massive global health crisis as I a naively called out on stage 2 years ago.